Dear mom,

I remember everything like it was yesterday. It was Mikey's birthday. Our family of 7, Jorge, your mom, and your sister, Damaris, crammed into your tight hospital room to celebrate. It was hard to see you lying weakly in that hospital bed. The jaundice had finally spread over your entire body, your lips purple from dehydration, and the fragileness of your body because of the drastic weightloss- It was hard enough to see you with that IV in you.


When it came time for me to cut the cake, I passed a piece to everyone except you. The doctor said that you weren't allowed to eat or drink anything but ice. As I began to close the cake box I specifically remember hearing you softly, telling me to just cut you a small piece. It was as if you were ok.. I gave you a bite sized piece. I didn't think that a piece so small would burn the inside of your mouth. As soon as you started begging for ice to ease the pain, I knew you were never getting out of there. It proved to me the extent at which the simple pleasures of life had escaped you. I tried as hard as I could to fight back tears, but every now and then I couldn't help it. Only one month before that I was sitting down next to you watching your favorite shows on t.v.


April 9, 2010 was the last day that I spoke to you. It was getting late and visiting hours were over. I didn't want to leave. I wished that I was old enough to stay with you overnight. I desperately wanted to spend some time alone with you just like we did the summer before. I got to know you so well then. Saying good bye was the hardest thing ever. I couldn't hug you or kiss you on the cheek because your white blood cells were so low and we couldn't risk you getting any sicker. You looked up at me, eyes tired and yellow as I said good-bye, and replied "I love you." I replied back only hoping that I'd be able to better our relationship if by miracle you were able to get out of there. Little did I know that those 3 words would be the last word that I'd ever hear you say. I think you knew that you didn't have much time left. To this day I thank God that we left at those words. So many people who have lost wish that they could have told their loved ones that.


Two days later, I received a phone call from Dad saying that they had to rush you to the ICU. I finally convinced him to let me see you again. I knew deep down in my heart that you definitely weren't ever getting out of there. Dad warned me that you didn't look the same anymore, but I was so determined to get into your room. I went with Dad straight afterschool. As soon as we got into the elevator leading to your floor, my legs began to shake with nervousness. I immediately prayed for God to give me strength and to keep me from crying because I knew if I showed any sign of weakness that he wouldn't take me back. The first thing I noticed when I walked in was the machine that was helping you breathe. There were tubes all over your arms, running through your nose and mouth, and your body was so swollen that I could hardly believe it was you.
I went in and out of the room every day that week without a tear in my eye. I was determined to be there for every one of my family members. I left my tears for times when I was alone and no one could see- just like you always did.
April 16, 2010, after they told us that we would have a couple of years left with you, Dad finally brought Mikey and Gaby to see you. I was so happy that he finally brought them because I knew that there was no way that you would make it that much longer. It was really hard for them to see you they way you were. You had blood in your mouth, your eyes were slightly cracked open, yellow and glazed over from all the medication. Your body was even more swollen than it was the first day that I walked in. They walked in scared and unable to believe that two weeks could do that much to you. I held your arm before we left trying not to cry because they told me you might be able to feel our presence. I wanted you off the machines. You looked like you were in so much pain.
The very next morning, it had to be 5 a.m., I heard Dad's cell phone ring. I knew that it had to be the hospital calling. He ran over to Denise's room and knocked on the door. I walked over by the time she opened it- "We lost her." I knew when I heard that that everything was going to change. I was used to having you around all the time. You were there for me throughout my whole life and never expected to lose you at 16. I always imagined you being there for my graduation, for my future wedding, and to see my future kids grow up. But the reason that I'm writing this to you is not to focus so much on how much our family has been through since then, but to tell you how much of an impact your life had on all of us.


Summer 2010, I accepted God into my heart. I know that you always pushed the Catholic faith and it was really hard for me to start going to CCK, but I felt God's presence there like I never did before. It took me forever to realize that you'd be happy with whatever I decide as long as I follow God. I read the bible daily now, just like you always wished I would. I try as much as I can to follow whatever God tells me to do. You always told me that following what God wanted was important and that it didn't matter what everyone else thinks of you. I didn't fully understand or even want to understand what you were telling me until now. I'm a leader in the bible club at school now. I didn't think that I would be able to teach a group of girls that were born in a Christian household anything about faith. I only accepted God for 4 months at that point. I try to center my life around God as much as I can. He's helped us through so much this past year. I don't know what would've became of us if He hadn't. I hope that you're proud of me. I know that you're always watching me. Thank you for everything you've done for me, mom. I know that I didn't tell you that enough when you were around. I'll never forget you.


Love always,
Cindy

A leap of faith

About a month ago, I was in the middle of applying for colleges. I applied for two in Miami, and I had been working on the last one. My plan was to apply for the Miami Dade Honors college and hopefully go there for the first two years of college in order to save money. During one week in December, a representative of Miami Dade college came to RMEC to help seniors apply and answer questions they may have. I decided that it would be the best opportunity to ask questions about the Honors college. I went along with three of my friends, and sat down in the meeting along with about 15 other seniors. One of my friends asked me to walk up to the representative and ask her a question, so I willingly got up and walked over. The second I opened my mouth and stated that I wanted to ask her a question about the Honors college, she went off. She literally screamed at me on the top of her lungs telling me that I was irresponsible for not having submitted my application (the application isn't due until February 1 btw) and that I was unfit for the college because other people were already getting interviewed. She continued for about 10 minutes, and throughout the whole time the other seniors were sitting there staring. I could feel my face reddening as I tried to sustain my composure. I had been going through a lot that week and it was the last thing I needed. She mocked me and make fun of me because I had been nodding at everything she was telling me. I had never been more humiliated in my life. I walked out of that room feeling like a failure and that I would never amount to anything. I was even more upset when I found out that as soon as I walked out of the room, my friends went up to ask her a question about the same college and she had been completely courteous to them. She gladly told them about the Honors college and told them how much they would like it. I began to question why she decided to scream at me of all people. I had never met her prior to that day or given her reason to do that to me.

That incident further affected me when I had finally finished my application and it came time to apply to the college. I began to get stressed out just thinking of having to go to Miami Dade and turn it in. I was scared that I would run into her again. I began to imagine being called into an interview, only to find out that she was the interviewer. I almost didn't apply. But then I thought about it. There had to be a reason that God allowed that to happen. Nothing happens by coincidence. I knew that God must have allowed that to happen in order to test my faith. If I applied, even though I had a bad experience with a representative, I would be putting all my faith in God. If I didn't, then I'd be allowing the devil to control my actions and allow him to put things in my path to keep me from following God. Any little thing that you allow the Devil to have over you, he will use! He attacks when you are at your weakest point. I didn't want the Devil to have that over me, so I knew that as soon as I finished my application I had to get rid of it as soon as possible. And I did. It proved to me that God will put things into your path, but will give you the resources to get through it if you choose to follow the plan that He has for your life. Continue to read the bible and follow what it says, and God guarantees to help you through any trial you may face.

"Seek His will in ALL you do, and he will show you which path to take." - Proverbs 3:6

-Cynthia:)

Sincerely Yours

Last week I began to get really stressed out over midterms. I've always been the one to try and stay on top of my grades and do whatever it took to get an A. That Friday, I had a vocabulary test. I looked over it twice thinking that I would know it enough to pass. Once my teacher placed the test in front of me, I completely blanked out. I forgot everything that I had studied and had to guess every single answer. I began to pray to God that I would somehow remember at least some part of what I studied. My English teacher told us to stop our tests, and decided to allow us to correct our own papers. I ended up getting about 7 out of 20 wrong. I was itching to change my answers, and I allowed myself to be tempted. I changed one of the answers and in result got a C instead of the D that I deserved. Once she collected the paper, I felt completely guilty. I was happy that I didn't get a D, but upset that I didn't get my grade honestly. I had been praying for months for God to make me an example for others, and I knew that that was the wrong way to start. That night, I went to youth group. Of all days we were discussing trials and temptations. My youth pastor asked all of us to open up to James 1. The first verse I see when I opened up the bible was James 2:10:

"For the person who keeps all of the laws except ONE is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God's laws."

That's when I realized that I completely messed up. I shouldn't have changed the answer. It wouldn't have affected my grade too much either way. I went into our small groups after the service and confessed to the them what I had done. One of them asked me whether I would tell my teacher. I didn't want to do it. I panicked because I was unsure of the reaction my teacher would have when I told her. I had no idea what she would say. She could have either been nice about it since I was honest, or never trust me again. She also could have questioned whether or not I had cheated on my other exams. I decided to put it in God's hands. And I prayed that He would give me strength, especially when I never had to admit to a teacher that I had done something wrong. This Tuesday I walked up to her after class to speak with her. I was completely nervous. As I walked up to her I could feel my face reddening. To my surprise she took it graciously. She smiled and thanked me for telling her the truth. I definitely learned my lesson. 

Because I followed what God put into my heart to do, He helped me and gave me the courage to speak to her. Because of this, I know that God will be there for me next time He asks me to do something. As long as you pray and allow God to mold you into who He wants you to be, He will direct your paths. 

-Cynthia